Bad Movies at Redbox: Watching the very worst Redbox has to offer so you don't have to

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

The Dead Reborn

Today's movie at Redbox is The Dead Reborn and you will see the box art at Redbox kiosk that looks like this:

Redbox Version
Redbox Synopsis: From biochemical virus outbreaks to bizarre occult rituals, the dead have risen to walk the Earth once more. In these three chilling tales of the living dead, no one is safe: Can you withstand the heart-pumping horror of The Dead Reborn? 

Sound like a good movie to you, doesn't it? Well too bad, pendejo, there was no film made called The Dead Reborn. There were three seperate films titled:

Original Poster 2000


Original Poster 2002
Original Poster 2000

I bet you are thinking to yourself, "Well gee, three movies for the price of one! It's almost like I can't afford NOT to rent this DVD. Well guess again, potsy. You're getting snippets of three films.

Now you are probably asking yourself, "F@ck me, Redbox did this to me when I rented the Haunted Dollhouse? Well, is Jessica Morris in this then?"

Today's movie comes to us from Full Moon in which Redbox re-release an older movie with a different title as if it was new material. Unfortunately, Full Moon Regular Jessica Morris does not appear in this film.

Review after the Jump

The Dead Hate the Living! IMDB Synopsis: When a renegade band of young filmmakers break into an abandoned hospital to make their horror epic, they stumble upon a real dead body and decide to use it in their movie. They accidentally bring it back to life, open a portal to a dead world that releases dozens of other zombies, then struggle for their lives in a desperate attempt to flee from the creatures who apparently have them hopelessly trapped in the hospital.

This one is heavily edited, starts mid story and ends nonsensically. I have not seen the original film, just the segment on this disc. If I may break it down, David, an aspiring "filmmaker" and his film crew do indeed find a dead body, puts said body into some contraption that indeed opens a portal. Led by a Rob Zombie lookalike, zombies rise from graves on the movie set and attack our three remaining heroes. Cornered by zombies, instead of turning off  said contraption, and thus sealing off the link to the dead world, they step into said contraption and emerge in another dimension. The end.
Now who's more human than human?
The makeup on this piece is terrible, the acting is pretty bad and there is no nudity. When zombies catch on fire, they actually use the cartoon effects, not CGI- but cartoon effects to depict the fire. Its hard to say whether this is due to editing, but the film provides zero spacial awareness and the blocking is confusing.

Prison of the Dead IMDB Synopsis: Kristof (Patrick Flood), an eccentric rich kid, tricks his high school friends into getting back together for a reunion of sorts, under the pretense of a funeral. The group of twenty-somethings is forced to spend the night in an old abandoned witches' prison. During a Ouija Board séance, the schoolmates accidentally unearth three dead executioners from their graves. A little confused, and quite a bit angry, the Crypt Keepers initiate a killing spree that will only end when everyone is dead. Fortunately, the schoolmates all wore black. Too bad it's for their own funerals...

Un-Death Sentence: This one is the worst of the three. Again, this film is so edited, I have no idea why Kristof tricked his friends, what Kristof was hoping to achieve by tricking his friends, what his fathers "paper" had to gain from the trickery or how this film was resolved. It was likely explained in a segment that landed on the edit room floor.
If there was an Oscar category for B-Rate douchebag, Patrick Flood deserves a lifetime achievement award
 The effects of this are terrible. Just a few to note:
  • Purple blood. Yeah, they couldn't dye corn-syrup correctly. It's purple.
  • The possession of the friends effect was almost as bad as the fire effect from the previous segment.
  • There is a "slow motion" fight. It is not a fight filmed at real time speed and slowed down. The actors move at half speed and use an audio effect hoping you don't notice. You notice.
  • Characters show up without introduction. This segment started out as 4 people. There are actors shown in one scene. They are not introduced, their presence is never explained and they never appear again.
  • In the final fight scene, the demon or whatever, intentionally misses hitting Kristof
  • This isn't an effect per se, but this film has an NR rating. There is no nudity in this entire film. . You have no effects to speak of. Show some boobs. Debra Mayer has a sex scene in this. She is a good looking woman. Nudity is not why I rent these films but when its a bad film, I expect you to make it up to me- give me something to work with.

Hell Asylum Full Moon Synopsis: (Ed Note: This was originally supposed to be the sequel to Prison of the Dead- I have no idea how) A desperate producer faced with unemployment has the ultimate reality television program ready to roll. "Chill Challenge" sends five sexy models into a haunted old building where years earlier an eccentric millionaire had kidnapped a handful of unsuspecting women in an effort to force them to be his brides. The idea is simple: spend a night without leaving and walk away with a cool million bucks! What these sultry gals don't realize is, as they reveal their deepest, darkest fears to the probing eye of the camera, someone or something is using those fears against them! As they are sent into the house alone, one by one, they are forced to confront their worst nightmares…and an abomination that will kill them all!! Featuring Joe Estevez.

Shallow Graves: This one was probably my favorite of the three. It is obviously filmed in a elementary school- the "safe-room" is the gym/cafeteria. Again, this film is edited down, but for some reason the models all seem to be upset at being in this game show, as if someone is making them participate. There are beings in black klansman-style hoods that appear from nowhere to eat humans (I don't know either). The effects are pretty bad on this one. I am not a doctor or a mortician but I don't think that intestines look like yarn. Lets meet our cast:

  • Marti (Bottom Right), the sassy, street wise one. Marti has an overly long death seen where she is strangled for about a minute. The sound effect is hysterical
  • Rainbow (Bottom Left) A goth chick named Rainbow. Anyway, Rainbow gets knocked down the stairs and her legs, I guess snap. The effect is...just, yeah.
  • Stacy (Top Right) Stacy is the cute one. She gets sucked up into a chimney and eaten (?). Her bones fall back to the fire place. Apparently she was born with three femur bones.
  • Amber (Top Left) dies and while being eaten, you can distinctly see her move her lips
  • Paige (Center) the bitchy one. I am not sure how they killed her. I think they ripped part of her scalp off, but I really don't know. (Update: Confirmed by Debra Mayer)
  • Max- (Top Center) Worst reality show in TV history. For some reason, this show requires you to only see Max's mouth. Max is having an affair with Paige because it's 2002.
This one at least made me laugh. Featuring Joe Estevez apparently means one line at the end. Joe must be a pretty busy guy.

An Aside About the Director
The director of Prison of the Dead is David DeCoteau. David has directed such gems as Cougar Cult (Though I didn't write about it, that film inspired me to start this website). Although the director is David DeCoteau, the director credit is attributed to Victoria Sloan on the film and in the Redbox Synopsis. This leads me to make the following assumptions:

  1. David DeDoteu listed his real name as the director of Cougar Cult. If you are willing to own up to Cougar Cult but you don't want your name on this film, you have to ask yourself: How bad is this movie?
  2. In addtion to using the alias Victoria Sloan, David DeCoteau also credited himself as Julian Breen, Jack Reed, Richard Chasen, David McCabe, Joesph Tennent and Ellen Cabot. Either David is some kind of CIA oprative or this dude owes some unhappy women a ton of back child support.
Hott Hottness Award
Congratulations to Tanya Dempsey, the Hott Hottness Award Winner for The Dead Reborn. Tanya filmed her portion of the film Hell Asylum in 2002 so I'm not sure how thrilled she is to win this installment's award.

According to her Twitter page is now a "Fashion/Lifestyle/Design Blogger Tanya Dempsey. Wife, mother, stylist & event journalist who used to be that girl in that scary movie".  but she seems like she has a sense of humor about it. Tanya is just a natural cutie. No nudity in this film but she looks great running around in her underwear.

Congrats Tonya, on a well earned Hott Hottness Award. Make sure to follow Tonya on Twitter @novembergrey and check out her blog HERE 
She isn't a redhead in The Dead Reborn but she should be

Overall: As much as I wanted to like this Redbox movie, it was almost unwatchable. Between the incomplete story lines, bad editing and poor to no special effects this movie is not worth the 100 minute run time. Full Moon or Redbox would be better off releasing these as individual movies. I doubt I would recommend those either, but at least they would be coherent story lines. I really do enjoy anthology pieces. I loved V/H/S. Creepshow, Tales from the Darkside and Twilight Zone are some of my all-time favorites. The difference between those movies and the Dead Reborn is they were written as anthologies. Cutting down full movies to anthology pieces is a recipe for failure. As much as I like Full Moon, The Dead Reborn is the worst movie at Redbox this month.

Final Verdict: Not Worth a Redbox Rental

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  1. You are 100% correct about your review..

  2. Thank you, Anonymous! Tell your friends to read this site

    1. Ha! This is a great review!! I just rented this blindly looking for some cheesy fun, but was disappointed when I noticed the first story was "The Dead Hate the Living" cut to shreds. I looked everywhere to get more info on the other 2 movies that they butchered. Came across this site and I love it. Anybody can sit and watch the great movies, but you know you're hardcore if you can sit thru these kinds of treasues and/or garbage. Keep up the good work!

    2. Ha! This is a great review!! I just rented this blindly looking for some cheesy fun, but was disappointed when I noticed the first story was "The Dead Hate the Living" cut to shreds. I looked everywhere to get more info on the other 2 movies that they butchered. Came across this site and I love it. Anybody can sit and watch the great movies, but you know you're hardcore if you can sit thru these kinds of treasues and/or garbage. Keep up the good work!

  3. I was so confused when I rented this movie I was watching it and said I guess I can finish it but when it cut and went to anouther scene I said wtf is going on and off it went thanks alot redbox

  4. OMG thanks for this site!!!!! Just watched this piece of TRASH! LOL I too love love trilogy movies, that's why I picked this, I'll be coming back b4 I rent anything else from RB. One more thing thank god there was no female nudity, I'm a woman and there's nothing worse than a horrible movie with boobs flyn around. They should start throwing in some nude guys, from time to time. That 2nd movie was beyond funny, wen the Kristof guy walks in to talk to the bow tie guy, he turns and says hold on I have to lock the door. Lol I almost feel off the couch it was starting to look like a porno.

  5. Thank you! Thank you! 2nd time you've saved me the time and expense (albeit miniscule) of having another piece of crap shoved into my brain. Other was Haunted Dollhouse. Gotten smarter over the years. Now look up every movie on IMDB before I rent, buy or download. Both these el-junkos no show. Obvious why. IMDB doesn't list mish-mashed garbage. G-search found your site. If I could, I would happily donate to you site. You are truly a benevolent gift to all rational human-kind and your site a huge web plus. Rhetorical question: Why, for mergatroid's sake, does Redbox keep putting such sh@t out there for unsuspecting customers? Don't they know this tends to drive people away? Fool me once...

  6. Thanks for the kind words, Bluejay. I think they keep putting crap in Redbox because I keep renting them. Glad some people appreciate me sitting through such garbage!


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