Bad Movies at Redbox: Watching the very worst Redbox has to offer so you don't have to

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Redbox Coming Attractions 7/23

I suggest that this week, instead of renting any movies at Redbox, you read a book or learn to knit or re-watch your old Sopranos DVDs. This week is pretty lame. First we have a classic case of Redbox deception.
Take a look at them all after the fold:

Medieval Park
Redbox Movie Art

Redbox Synopsis: Five lucky kids win a stay at a high-tech medieval theme park, set in an ancient castle. But when the castle is catapulted back in time during an electrical storm, the kids find themselves battling real knights, evil sorcerers and fire-breathing dragons.

 You are probably asking yourself, "Wow! I love Game of Thrones, and I love...parks. I bet I would love this film! How come I hadn't heard about it before?" Well chivato, that's probably because you weren't into the Romanian movie scene circa 1999. That's right, don't bother looking for this film's IMDB page under Medieval Park because when this film came out in 1999, it was called Teen Knight and the movie art looked like this:
Original 1999 Movie Art
This happens quite a bit. If you read this site, you're familiar with Darkness: Teen Space Vampire Saga and Shitter Shifter. They usaally get one American actor and the rest of the cast has less than conversational command of the English language. Really, these films are so bad, they aren't even good to make fun of. I wouldn't recommend this even for your kid (Unless your kid is really stupid).

Burt Wonderstone

Redbox Synopsis: Superstar magicians Burt Wonderstone and Anton Marvelton have ruled the Las Vegas Strip for years, raking in millions with illusions as big as Burt's growing ego. But lately the duo's greatest deception is their public friendship, as they've secretly grown to loathe each other. Facing cutthroat competition from guerilla street magician Steve Gray, whose cult following surges with each outrageous stunt, even their show is starting to look stale. But there's still a chance Burt and Anton can save the act, both onstage and off, if only Burt can get back in touch with what made him love magic in the first place. 

This film was a bomb at the box office. I love Steve Carrell and Steve Buscemi but I don't wanna watch this with a free rental. James Gandolfini is in this, fortunately, this was not his last movie. I hope that Animal Rescue is decent. I also hope that Animal Rescue is the working title. If you are interested, he also did a film called Nicky Deuce, Enough Said and a TV show called Criminal Justice. I haven't heard of Nicky Deuce (awful title too) but it stars Christopher Moltisanti, Paulie Gualtieri, Bobby Baccalieri, and Johnny Sack. It doesn't say what the plot is about, but Nicky Duece is going to be the closest thing to a Sopranos reunion that we're ever gonna see (were Artie, Phil Leatardo, Silvio, Adriana and Dr. Melfi all too busy?).


Redbox Synopsis: The captain of a Cold War Soviet missile submarine has secretly been suffering from seizures that alter his perception of reality. Forced to leave his wife and daughter, he is rushed into a classified mission, where he is haunted by his past and challenged by a rogue KGB group bent on seizing control of the ship's nuclear missile. With the fate of humanity in his hands, the captain discovers he has been chosen for this mission in the belief he would fail.

I love submarine movies, I love Ed Harris and I love "That Guy" actor William Fichtner. Fichtner should be a star, guy is awesome in everything. Black Hawk Down, Dark Knight, Perfect Storm, West Wing (awesome cameo as a Supreme Court Nominee), Heat, Prison Break Drive Angry, and should be a star by now. Not sure why he isn't. Probably because of the confusing spelling of his last name. Is the T silent? Don't know who I am talking about? He's this dude:
Oh look, it's that guy!
I was a huge X-Files fan and Duchovny is an icon but his movie career is pretty suspect. Duchovny shoulda stuck with X-Files to the end. Tea LeOni is like the Yoko Ono of sci-fi. It also has Sean Patrick Flanery who will likely be doing his praying before his shooting in this one. Anyway, from the trailer, seems like they just remade Hunt for Red October but with American accents instead of Scottish ones. As long is it's better than that steaming turd K-19. This one is probably your best bet for the week. Oh yeah, here's the Phantom trailer:


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