Bad Movies at Redbox: Watching the very worst Redbox has to offer so you don't have to

Friday, November 22, 2013

Mother

Mother, mother,
there's too many off you spying
Daryl, Daryl, Daryl
There's to far many few of you knifing
You know we've got to find a way
To make a better lifetime movie today

What's Going On?
NOTE: Daryl Hannah never holds a knife in a threatening manner throughout the entire film

Redbox Synopsis: An A-student's life is turned upside-down when inappropriate status updates and photos appear on her online profile. Soon, she learns that even her life is in danger. (not rated, 90 minutes, No closed captions*)

*Although my screenshots have captions, those were generated by a program on my computer. There are no captions watching this movie on DVD, Bluray player or PS3.

Redbox Deception: Mother was originally titled Social Nightmare when it ran as a made for TV movie on the Lifetime channel. If you think Daryl Hannah ever picks up a knife in this move, think again. I don't know why they would give away who the "bad-guy" is in this film by the cover and name change.

Fun with this movie and spoilers below the fold. And lets face it, if you are worried about spoilers for a Lifetime Movie with Daryl Hannah on the Cover titled Mother, you need to start watching better movies. I swear to god, do not email or tweet me to gripe about spoilers. If you think anything doesn't happen in this movie you didn't expect to happen, you should stop watching movies altogether.

More Below the Fold

Before I get started on this crapfest, let me say I hate reviewing Lifetime movies. You've heard the jokes a million times: women are always the victims; the men are to blame and technology/the internet kills teens. I assume the last narrative exists for the sole purpose of scaring old people. Any Lifetime movie featuring a teenage girl as the protagonist could easily be retitled, "This is EXACTLY what is happening to your granddaughter RIGHT NOW!!111!!" None of that is really funny, it's all true of course, but it's nothing you haven't read before. I was going to skip the review of this film, but I got to thinking...

NASCAR is the fastest growing sport in the country. High-speed car chases broadcasted live from a helicopter generate fantastic television ratings for news networks. It tells me people enjoy watching either precision driving or reckless driving. A large portion of American's take the bus but no one wants to watch that on TV. Why am I discussing American's tastes in spectators sports vis-a-vis automobiles and mass transit on a post about movies? Tarantino, Nolan, Cohen Bros, or Fincher film's are auto racing; performed by experts, fast moving, dangerous, but in control. Indie horror films are high-speed car chases; high speed and fun at first but they always end poorly. Lifetime Movies are the mass transit of the film world; not exciting, not sexy or dangerous but take you exactly where it you expect to go every time in a slow, unexciting, unimaginative and predictable manner.

Lifetime movies are all done well from a technical aspect. Good continuity, competently shot, no glaring errors, but horrible acting and terrible dialog from one B list star collecting a paycheck and no real imagination. If there is nothing else on, people watch them and forget them 5 minutes later. That works as a review for any Lifetime movie.


So rather than breakdown this film or give it a review no one will read, I thought I would have a little fun with Mother. A few things that struck me as funny. I would screen shot more of this movie's hokey dialog, but that post would be outrageously long and the liquor store closes at nine. Instead let's key on a few points I found extremely idiotic and then drink til we forget this film exists.


One of the most unique/stupid things about Lifetime is they cant/won't pay for, nor would any legit company allow, to put real products in their sh!tbag movies.
Jodi's Lemon Cooler paid handsomely for this product placement
In a movie supposedly about the dangers of social media, you would think Lifetime would not use a title or at least try and get a third rate social media outlet to let them use their format. Unfortunately Lifetime movies writes still write their scrips with a quill pen, stamp them with the kings seal and send them via pony express to the producer.
Wow, that is impressive, you actually made something that looks like a popular social networking site
I take that back, maybe Lifetime isn't completely ignorant about social media.
I mean, I can't believe Facebook actually let you...oh, BuddyME. Tom woulda let you use MySpace. You couldn't fork over the .28 cent royalty for Friendster? What a give up. On the other hand, Monty's desert video does look soooper wickkid

Could they not rip of Craigslist with Gregslist?
This is an actual picture of the first time Chloe Bridges read the script

There is a very strange political bent to this film, I just don't know which way it bent*. It started with strange references to Nixon, George H.W. Bush and Taft and then a reference to a recent campaign slogan. It struck me as odd for a Lifetime film.
Take that, President Taft, you fat bastard!


To sum up the plot, the blond girl, Cat is running for Student Council President against the brunette, Emily. Emily retorts with a familiar campaign slogan. Shortly after her BuddyME account and cell phone get "hacked". She is smeared/exposed to the school as a hypocrite, backstabber, liar, whore, etc. In the second act the student body reacts by... Eh, just look:
When you've lost the Lifetime Channel, you've lost the country.
I wonder if whoever wrote this got fired as an Obama speechwriter and had to get work writing shitty Lifetime movies and is still holding a grudge.
*I couldn't figure out if it was left or right. I thought at first, it was foreshadowing Cat's impeachment, but if she went with all impeached presidents, Andrew Johnson, Nixon and Clinton, though Clinton served two terms. Then I thought maybe they were worried about using Andrew Johnson, even though he was impeached and served one term, but they were afraid the audience would think she meant Lyndon Johnson. Taft and H.W. Bush weren't impeached. So maybe it was a slam on Republican Presidents. But why shoehorn Obama's "Yes We Can" slogan in there? And then I remembered Daryl Hannah's politics and that she was in this film. Then I realized I had thought way too much about a political reference in a crappy Lifetime movie** I rented at Redbox and got on with my life.

**A reader pointed out that Daryl Hannah is involved in this film and if you know anything about her politics, she is nutty. She may be angry at Nixon, H.W. Bush, Taft and Obama for not outlawing ceiling fans or fire extinguishers or something equally ridiculous.

Of course, a Lifetime film isn't a Lifetime film without a cartoonishly mean-girl, insensitive guys and "witty-suggestive banter"

Ya know who's worse at sexual innuendo than teenage boys? Lifetime movie writers
So, now that you've been "hacked", the only place you can turn to is a "full on computer genius." I hope there is a guy at you school whom you've never bet that has a friend that can help...
Well that was convenient
Behold: Full-On Computer Genius
Sup gurl, I be straight up be hacking this Buddyme file, yo
With an unzipped hoodie, generic baseball cap, tanktop, Sea Hag sticker on his mini fridge, what else could this guy be except a "full-on computer genius"? 
My mistake, this guy is a definitely "full-on computer genius"

Whoever wrote this is obviously computer illiterate. It's obvious to me and I barely know how to use Twitter.
This guy designed Healtcare.gov
Oh, and Steve Jobs here is also an attempted rapist, so: Attention Old People: If your granddaughter uses the internet, not only will she have her identity "hacked", she will definitely be raped by a "full-on computer genius".

For the next 60 minutes more "hacking" continues as Cat's private life and social media is exposed or manipulated to ruin her chances at the Ivy League as her friendship with Emily.

While this film looked to be about the dangers of social media, the big "reveal" in this is that Daryl Hannah was sabotaging her daughter's academic career because she is obsessed. This might have been a surprising twist if Redbox hadn't renamed the film Mother and put Daryl on the cover holding a knife. Way to go Redbox!
Let me go! You can't do this to me! I was in Splash, damn-it!

Overall: Have you not been reading this post?
  1/10
Final Verdict: Not worth a Redbox Rental


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This post was all in good fun and not meant to offend. My sincerest apologies to all  honeydaddies, old people and William Howard Taft


SOCIAL NIGHTMARE - Trailer from Richard Vialet on Vimeo.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you so much for warning me. I've been fooled by these Lifetime movies before and they're... well you described them perfectly.

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